You really coming over, don't trick.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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