Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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