Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
