So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
