She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
