Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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