I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
