Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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