It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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