I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
