People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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