Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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