Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
