I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
