look no pants
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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