I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
