I am spending my child support on dildos
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
