I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
