Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
