stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The uberlube is also flammable
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize