i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
