I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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