Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
