he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize