And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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