i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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