i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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