If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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