when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize