All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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