the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
