You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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