Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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