I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize