You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think im going to throw up on grandma
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
