and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
