I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
