He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
