yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
