I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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