I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
pop tarts are not kleenex
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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