so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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