We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
