I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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