On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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