there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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