Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
