Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize