lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
