He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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