Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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