If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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