I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
