The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
