i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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