you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
