My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
