I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
