bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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