i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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