My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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