Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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