i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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